When life hands you lemons, make lemon bars

Today I wanted to share a tasty summer recipe that any mom of little kids is sure to love spending an entire day making. Based on a real recipe by Ina Garten and (loosely) inspired by a true story.

For this recipe, you will need:

For the crust:

• 1/2 pound unsalted butter, at room temperature
• 1/2 cup granulated sugar
• 2 cups flour
• 1/8 teaspoon kosher salt

For the filling:

• 6 extra-large eggs at room temperature
• 3 cups granulated sugar
• 2 tablespoons grated lemon zest (4 to 6 lemons)
• 1 cup freshly squeezed lemon juice
• 1 cup flour
• Confectioners’ sugar, for dusting

For the mom:

• 2 kids, preferably under the age of two
• 1 extra set of hands (father, grandparent, or competent adolescent sibling)
• 1 stiff adult beverage (optional)

The recipe is as follows:

Volunteer to bring homemade lemon bars to work function. Forget that you have two kids and limited resources to actually accomplish this.

In the morning, realize it’s wise to do anything you can ahead of time. Zest and juice lemons. Give half of a lemon rind to begging toddler who has an inexplicable taste for sour foods. Take Advil for aching wrists after repeatedly squeezing the citrus juicer.

Put baby down for nap. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Remind toddler for the 327th time the oven is “hot hot no touch.”

Remember that you didn’t set out the butter and eggs to come to room temperature. Put items out on counter. Turn off oven. Get baby up from nap. Proceed with normal morning.

Put baby and toddler to bed after lunch. Preheat oven again to 350 degrees F. For the crust, cream the butter and sugar in bowl of an electric mixer until light and fluffy. Combine the flour and salt and, with the mixer on low, add to the butter until just mixed. Dough should resemble the consistency of baby’s last dirty diaper (is her poop really supposed to look like that?). Press it into a 9×13 baking pan. Rearrange baby bottles and toddler’s half-eaten lunch in refrigerator to make room for pan. Chill. Also let the dough get cool.

Don’t get too comfortable, because the toddler is waking up too early from his nap. Reheat lunch leftovers for snack, pull pan out of fridge, open oven door, and place pan inside…all while holding the crying child who refuses to be put down.

Bake the crust for 15 to 20 minutes, until very lightly browned. Get baby up from nap and come back to find the crust is quite heavily browned. Run toddler into other room away from scorching oven as you try to open the door to remove the crust. Let cool on a wire rack.

Crack eggs into large bowl. With raw egg on hands, run to toddler who’s banging a MegaBlok into his little sister’s soft spot. Whisk together the eggs. Stir in two cups of sugar; realize that’s all the sugar you have in the house. Send husband to grocery store for another bag of sugar.

Rewhisk eggs and sugar and add lemon zest and lemon juice. Slowly add flour. Call this your cardio workout for the day. Pour over the crust and bake for 30 to 35 minutes, until the filling is set. Weigh risk of getting salmonella, then lick the bowl. Meanwhile, make toddler’s dinner that he won’t eat and give baby a bath. Remove pan from oven; physically block charging toddler from oven door with your leg. Let cool to room temperature.

After kids are finally in bed, cut into triangles and dust with confectioners’ sugar. Collapse onto couch; eat 1/3 of pan by yourself before bed.

The next morning, wake up when baby cries 45 minutes before your alarm goes off. Run around crazily getting ready for work. Finally stumble out the door. Forget to take lemon bars.